Today I fear that I am struggling to grasp at the straws of sanity. The current work load has come crashing down hard, and the potential for failure is far larger than I would like. Having been sick for seven days has set me back, and trying to play catch up with a lost week is impossible. I understand that other people have made it through this course, and have done very well for themselves, but there is a huge cost. Failure is not an option for me. I do not have the financial luxury of time or money that others may have. I have to kill myself now for my work, to enjoy the benefits later on in my career. It seems rather shallow sometimes to complain, and my friends have tried to be understanding that this is NOT your average university course. It does not operate within the normal confines of education and demands. We are having to learn, master and produce all in one go. We must become faster, more proficient and somehow maintain an exceptional reputation with clients, and develop a unique and marketable style. I am only one of many within my class who are probably feeling the same way right now.
There is no time for slip ups, mistakes or do overs. There is also no time for emotional disruptions or for life to get in the way. Am I only being self deceiving thinking that it will be different in the real world? I had a surprise run in with some anger, indignation and a devastating fight or flight response to the shadow of an area of my personal life this morning. I thought that I would be further along the healing path, and I have been, for which I am thankful. It ended up being more of a "How dare you make me feel like that." response. I had no time to sit there and watch tears roll down my arms and become swallowed by disparaging and an overwhelming desire to use whatever energy I currently possessed to pound out on a sparring partner,or via mountain bike. Musically, I was having a Pantera - This Love, moment. ( I was in martial arts for six years, for those of you who are late to the game.) But there I was. Stuck a my couch, weeping my way into a corner for a weight I must work back into place. I am very thankful for a wonderful and comforting Mother who has taken such good care of me. She has helped, cheered and carried me when the chips were down. I also have appreciated the sweetness of my Father, with his ample hugs and my younger sister, for her cheeriness and comfort. When there were days that life decided to drop kick me into a gully of thorns, they were there to pull me out and clean me up.
School on the other hand, is a solo mission. It is all on me to pick up after and for myself when things are going side ways. No matter how much I have tried to stay organized, there has been some technical, and occasionally communication challenges with instructors--class wide. We are human. It happens. But I think that it is the continual feeling like I am behind and cannot keep up or catch up, is starting to hack away at my concentration. I know that there is always the "one bite at a time" method, and I have certainly been trying to do both that and keep up and have a mind on the fact that I have so many other projects to get to and get through. When teacher's start moving deadlines around, it really doesn't help me remember what is due when.
Life comes and goes. It has many seasons, some the same, some so different you can barely even breath. Like anyone else, I hate the feeling that I cannot keep my head above water, and that there are things that I shouldn't care about anymore, nor have a right to bother me at all, that can still reach up and choke me. We can bless and burden people so easily. It takes mere seconds to alleviate a lifetime of pain. A smile, a hug or a job done silently in the shadows to empower someone else can make all the difference. We can also devastate because of our refusal to see beyond ourselves.
Hell and high water already came. I will get through this too. sigh.
Back to work.
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